Boy Bands

The Backstreet Boys, 98°, or even dare we mention… N.K.O.T.B… doesn’t matter the specific band, you didn’t live a year of the 90s without being absolutely bombarded by at least one boy band and their rapture bringing music. Let’s face it, boy bands did not play their own instruments, boy bands did not write their own lyrics, boy bands probably didn’t even perform inappropriate acts with their own 14 year old groupies. In the 90s, no one better represented the lowest point in popular music history than the boy bands. You can call yourself a, “Male vocal group” or even a “Man Band” but once MTV attempts to parody you and only succeeds in making yet another Boy Band you have to know there can’t be much of a secret to the genre. Let us take a moment to look back and examine the upstanding members of society who began their careers in boy bands:

Nick Carter: Former Band: The Backstreet Boys, Current Standing: d-bag, photo above is a mugshot from a drunk driving arrest, has also publicly acknowledged drug addiction and alcoholism.

Donnie Wahlberg: Former Band: New Kids on the Block, Current Standing: d-bag, the photo above is also a mugshot, this time from an arrest for arson. Take a second... did you see that too? Look at what sits upon his right shoulder. Whether you would call it a pony tail, rat tail, or Jedi Braid, it surely places the d-bag stamp firmly across his forehead. Not only did he decide to grow and maintain said rat tail but he went out of his way to make it visible in his mug shot. We are talking about the kind of d-bag who is only attracted to women, or men, currently in a relationship with other men.

Boy bands can't even get into trouble like real musicians. Who hasn't envisioned growing up to be a rock start and throwing a TV through a window and watching it fall 15 stories into the pool, or turning your hard top Rolls-Royce into a convertible with a hacksaw on a whim. Instead boy bands grow up and produce drunk drivers, one of the most selfish and easily avoidable crimes. Whalberg being arrested for arson sounds as though it may have promise, however he was arrested for setting part of a carpet on fire (probably after he dropped his crack pipe), then goes to court and pleads guilty to a reduced charge of criminal mischief. Never before in history has a group had literally no redeeming qualities (Screen Actors Guild nearly edges out Al Gore for second place here).

To boy bands everywhere: We hope never to see you again unless on 2am reruns of Celebrity Death Match