Jock Jams

Imagine yourself at a Vancouver Grizzlies game. Things are going great, right?! It's 1995, Brad Pitt has just won Sexiest Man of the year (you're hoping he'll win again), a company with an exclamation for a name was founded, and Jacques Chirac is France's new Prez! Things are going your way. The only thing missing is the Magic Eye book you accidently left at home on the coffee table and music from the best band EVER - House of Pain. Thankfully, the NBA has you covered.

Jump Around and throw the jock jams my way. I can't get enough of these awesome beats! Whenever I hear them my mind is soothed by the finer things in life - wood floors covered in sweat, overly-mobile team mascots, and a guy named Mickey. You know my CD changer is stocked with all six ESPN manufactured Jock Jam compilation albums. The second of which peaked at number 10 on the Billboard charts, I'll have you know. That was 1996, sadly the pinnacle of the Jock Jams craze (and by sadly, I mean, I'm disappointed that Will Smith has a family and no longer gets jiggy wit' it).

The only thing that satiates me now is popping in the VHS tape of our fandom's pride and joy - Space Jam. There's no denying that this is possibly the best 1/2 animated, 1/2 live-action, 1/2 Michael Jordan film ever made. Yes, I said it. Aside from the magnificence that is the character depth of the Monstars, Wayne Knight and Bill Murray are really the ones who make this movie what it is. Genius. Without Wayne's type casting and Bill's cameo, how else would you inspire the creation of lunchboxes and pinball machines off your film venture?

My love for these, admittedly shallow, musical endeavors is immortalized here in the title of this blog. We owe it all to you Tag Team. But just so your ego doesn't begin to surpass that of Robert Van Winkle, it was almost called, "Ode to the Nacho Man."

Monica Lewinsky

Because she told.

Now I know you're saying "But Isaac, I remember this ordeal very well as I was entirely lucid and sober for the entire decade, and it was Linda Tripp who made this a big deal."

Valid point reader. You're fairly intelligent. Well you must be if you're reading this blog.

So yes, Linda Tripp is the one who made this a big deal. That is an irrefutable fact concerning this investigation, but the fault is still with Monica. No, not because she went down on the Prez. That was an act of patriotism, helping the President to relax and get away from the stresses of the most difficult job in America. Monica is to blame because when she thought to herself "I have to tell someone about this even though I know it could potentially ruin the country", she turned to this woman:

Does this look like a trustworthy face? No. This looks like a woman distraught because McDonald's removed the McRib from its menu. Monica shouldn't have told period, but she definitely shouldn't have told this bitch.

Not to accuse Linda Tripp of having the ability to conceive of a plan (unless of course it involved a family-size bucket of fried chicken from KFC, sweatpants, and an all night marathon of the Fresh-Prince), she knew this was big news. She turned to her confidant and friend Lucianne Goldberg who looks like this:

Lucianne, who obviously hadn't removed her horse make-up from the last renaissance fair she attended, told Linda to save all the evidence and make a case against the President. She then helped make tape-recordings to incriminate the President and used one of her three penises and magical witch powers to make a stain on a dress that contained the President's DNA. Then one thing led to another and Monica Lewinsky, the innocent White House intern who had literally worked on her hands and knees to serve her country, had caused the impeachment trial of Bill Clinton, this nation's hottest President. All because she entrusted her secret with a couple of cave trolls with nothing better to do.

What does this teach us?

The 90's sucked, and so did Monica Lewinsky.