Monica Lewinsky

Because she told.

Now I know you're saying "But Isaac, I remember this ordeal very well as I was entirely lucid and sober for the entire decade, and it was Linda Tripp who made this a big deal."

Valid point reader. You're fairly intelligent. Well you must be if you're reading this blog.

So yes, Linda Tripp is the one who made this a big deal. That is an irrefutable fact concerning this investigation, but the fault is still with Monica. No, not because she went down on the Prez. That was an act of patriotism, helping the President to relax and get away from the stresses of the most difficult job in America. Monica is to blame because when she thought to herself "I have to tell someone about this even though I know it could potentially ruin the country", she turned to this woman:

Does this look like a trustworthy face? No. This looks like a woman distraught because McDonald's removed the McRib from its menu. Monica shouldn't have told period, but she definitely shouldn't have told this bitch.

Not to accuse Linda Tripp of having the ability to conceive of a plan (unless of course it involved a family-size bucket of fried chicken from KFC, sweatpants, and an all night marathon of the Fresh-Prince), she knew this was big news. She turned to her confidant and friend Lucianne Goldberg who looks like this:

Lucianne, who obviously hadn't removed her horse make-up from the last renaissance fair she attended, told Linda to save all the evidence and make a case against the President. She then helped make tape-recordings to incriminate the President and used one of her three penises and magical witch powers to make a stain on a dress that contained the President's DNA. Then one thing led to another and Monica Lewinsky, the innocent White House intern who had literally worked on her hands and knees to serve her country, had caused the impeachment trial of Bill Clinton, this nation's hottest President. All because she entrusted her secret with a couple of cave trolls with nothing better to do.

What does this teach us?

The 90's sucked, and so did Monica Lewinsky.